I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
