I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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