dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
