so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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