Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
