yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize