I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
