Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
