you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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