Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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