Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
