i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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