you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
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