Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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