Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
that may or may not have been my penis.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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