tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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