Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize