Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
