I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
