so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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