you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
