you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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