The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
