they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
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