Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
