This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
