Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
She bit a glass in half.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
True strength comes from lack of pants
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
