Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
