There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize