hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
