i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize