If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize