god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
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