why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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