Are we in a gay sports bar?
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
