Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
