he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
