weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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