No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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