Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
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