Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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