Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
