Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
