Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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