There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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