How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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