Too much gin, very little bucket
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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