I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
