I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
