i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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