Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize