i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
