Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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