you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I just sucked dick on a ferry
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
