Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
