You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
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