My boss' voice literally gives me gas
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
