It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
