I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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