Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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