the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
