four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
