I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
