whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
last night I used snow as a chaser
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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